Angela Rebecca

I wanna talk about you.

But I don’t.

No one understands that I promised a man

to hold his daughter’s hand.

She is far out in dead man’s land.

A break intended for self-reflection

has resulted in deflection.

Refusing to look in the mirror

or by your side

Where is it Angie

that you hide?

I can’t be your light.

I am the dark part of us.

You are sick.

I am helpless.

My hands tied,

as I watch you slowly commit suicide.

You’ve left my side

Sacrifice your pride.

Your selfish ways punish those who love you.

This isn’t about you anymore,

It’s about them four.

You have to find your way out.

Darkness doesn’t look good on you.

Evil has dulled your Shine.

I hate I have abandon you

but I’ve already been to hell.

And crawled my way out.

This belongs to you.

You have taken my girl from me

but

my girl is breaking for you.

She sees you struggle.

It’s not fair.

She’s of age

and aware.

Them too.

They crave your attention.

And you leave them to starve.

I will write my boo.

And let her I know

“I love You”

Sometimes souls must separate.

Mine suffers for its mate.

It’s too late.

I am being forced to watch you deteriorate

They say you are past saving,

it’s a waste of time.

Where do you draw the fuck’n line?

You are proving them right.

I have no more energy to fight.

I beg,

seek the light.

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Attitude of Gratitude

I have decided to share the things I am grateful for.

  • Having a vehicle
  • Employment
  • Support
  • Encouragement
  • A bed
  • A compassionate child
  • An understanding community of people who provide me with so much hope. Thank you WordPress mental health community.
  • A creative outlet
  • A mother who does not question my lack of motivation
  • An environment that inspires me
  • The ability to cope with the symptoms of my mental illness

Beginning this list it became apparent that I have a lot to live for. The struggle I have been experiencing are merely moments that will pass. Keeping hope in my heart and an attitude of gratitude will help guide me to better days.

I am a fighter. I do deserve great things. I belong.

Tomorrow, I Will Try Again

Things are progressively getting worse. I feel myself deteriorating at a rate I cannot keep up with. It is almost like I am crashing from half a year of mania. I knew this was going to happen.

It always does. This explains why I’ve never completed or followed through with something until the end. I will be damned if it stands in my way of this. I will let it ride for now but I refuse to give up.

I am the one to blame for messing with the routine ofy medication. It was bound to happen. That makes this harder to accept. Once again, my fault. I knew I was riding the mania rollercoaster and I kept encouraging it. Pushing it. And now, I am breaking.

I got out of bed even though everything tried to convince me not too. I didn’t get far but I got up. The last thing I wanna do is shower but guess what? I am about to get in and scrub this funk off of me. Tomorrow is a new day. And I don’t know what it will present but what I do know is I am not laying down this time.

I will actively do the opposite of everything it wants me to do. I will smile even if I am forcing it. Bipolar may have control but I have medication that battles it. A simple solution to a permanent problem. Today I made huge strides in going against my illness. Not much was accomplished but I did enough.

This is something I should’ve prepared for but I’ve been too busy. I am learning that being too busy for my mental health gets me nowhere.

Tomorrow I have a chance. A chance to maintain better. A chance to care for myself.

To love myself.

And I will.

Lost

I am so lost right now. One day I have it all figured out and the next day it all goes to shit.

For someone who is so self-aware, I am the most indecisive person I know.

I don’t even know who I am or what it is I am here for.

Today, the struggle is real.

Today, I want to fade away.

I want to give up.

Today,

I am lost.

Beautiful Night

A lot of personalities can be found in diverse groups of friends. The best part is when it seems you are accepted as you by all these different people. Someone must have sprinkled fairy dust over my head when I was born or something.

I must say, I hung out at a party this evening and every time my friend throws one, its a blast. There are about 15, give or take, of us that will get together for outdoor get together’s. That’s what it’s about. When I had a house I really enjoyed bringing people together.

This is my friend’s house that I feel comfortable in. She was a wonderful host to me and my daughter and around 15 others. I saw my best friend tonight, we are still on break. I must say it kinda hurts my heart that she is where she is right now. She mentally struggles but has refused to help herself. It’s painful to watch. She didn’t have my goddaughter but I will see her soon. I miss them both but this distance is necessary.

Fire, music, food, and friends is always a good combo…. It’s good for me, the seldom occasions they happen.
The weather was perfect as well. Couldn’t have asked for more.

Just wanted to share 🙂

❤Candace